The Effects of Alcohol Intoxication on the Proprioceptor Feedback Mechanisms & Motor-response Capabilities of Gerbils
Dr. A. J. Sunapse & R.E.D. Ganglen
Abstract 
Early research by Sloth and Lusty (1923) which indicated that Gerbils were still able to negotiate a maze with no impairment of performance after the consumption of four and a half pints of Theakston's Old Peculiar is re-evaluated in the light of new empirical data. The results of the experiments described here indicate that while there was no significant difference between the control subjects (who consumed five bottles of Perrier water each) and experimental group one (who each drank nine cans of Fosters), there was a significant difference between the controls and subjects in group two (x = 69.76, d.f. = 2, p < 0.01) who shared five bottles of Mot Chandon. These findings are evaluated in relation to the drinking habits of political leaders and the implications discussed.
Introduction 
The controversy begun by the work of Pyeeye, Gone and Newt (1965) which is still raging in the area of psychealchoneurological research is further fuelled by the findings reported here. It was Pyeye et al. who first put forward the theory suggesting a correlation between the inhibited homing instinct of domestic hamsters weaned on Guinness, and the voting behaviour of citizens in social class C1.
Their methodology was severely attacked by the Italian sociologist Sinistrali (1966) who, in the previous year, had unsuccessfully disproved a link between aggression in Chianti drinking rhesus monkeys and the strike behaviour of Milanese car workers. This field of research was thrown into further confusion when a previously unpublished paper, (Anomie in the social structure of the anteaterDarkhim (1967)) was found in the basement of a disused bar in Barnsley. Darkhim proposed that the alienation exhibited by adolescent anteaters after consuming alcohol-rich tree fungus (which they frequently mistake for fire ants) can be directly related to the recruitment of British public school boys by the KGB in the early 1950s.
Controlled empirical investigation did not begin until 1973 when Blder and Ureter conducted their series of classic experiments in which they examined the covariation between the schooling behaviour of hock-drinking goldfish with the nitrogen and acididity levels of the lagers sold in the bierkeller at Hochheim. Their multi-factor analysis of the results has stood up to close scrutiny, even to that by Professor Kolstein, who argues that, as 57 of their 70 subjects were found floating in a comatosed state on top of the vat of hock, it is invalid to extrapolate the findings to the total population of gold fish.
The initially fruitful research by Ganglen, Sunapse and Ranviar (1976) on the influence of litre bottles of Sainsbury's Ros on the pattern matching abilities of white mice has to be omitted unfortunately, because of the discrepancy in control and experimental group numbers induced by the eating habits of Snowy the laboratory cat. Attempts to redress the balance by encouraging Snowy to randomly choose subjects from the other group failed when he was rendered unconscious by a full litre bottle of Sainsbury's Ros knocked from the bench by a subject making a rapid withdrawal from the experiment.